♥

It’s funny because most people don’t even know the real meaning of Easter, it’s all about chocolate eggs and hot cross buns and fluffy bunny’s.

Applying to student accommodation.. Hope there’s a place still available for me! Otherwise I’ll be living in a tent outside my placement.

Song: Government Hooker - Lady Gaga
Mood: Hungry, happy, buzzing. :D
Current Thought: WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Yesterday, I was really depressed. I thought that this was it, I wasn’t going to get into university and then I checked my email. I had 2 emails, the first was from a university that I knew I got declined from. The second email told me that something had changed on my UCAS track, when I read this I thought “That’s it. I’ve got declined from my last university!” But I went onto UCAS track to check anyway and I got a conditional offer from my top choice. I literally jumped for joy! I’m still buzzing from the news. I’m extremely happy, all the hard work and preparation paid off. I deserve this! I can’t believe I actually got in! I’m always rubbish at interviews and the course I applied for is extremely popular. I think I’ve proved to myself that I CAN do things if I try really hard.

The next step will be hard but I’ve come this far and I know I can do it. The next step is filling out my finance forms, applying for a bursary to help me with my maintenance/living costs, buying things to help me live in Halls. Yesterday I worked it out and I’m not going to have any money to spare if I’m living on my own in Halls. I wish my parents were supportive but I know they’re not going to be. I’m also not going to have anywhere to stay in the summer next year… But you know what they say “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.” 

I haven’t told my parents yet, they still think I’m waiting to hear back from universities. It’s harsh but it’s not their life. This is my life and this is who I want to be and I’m finally getting the chance to shape my life the way I want it to be.

I’m still going to have to sneak around them, they have no idea and I want it to stay that way because if they found out, they would stop me from going. Anyway, I need to start thinking about what I’m going to pack, I’m also going to have to buy essentials such as saucepans, spoons, plates etc. Some of the stuff, I might buy from where I end up living. I also need to buy suitcases! It’s going to be hard but I know I can do this.

In the summer I’m thinking of moving out of my house a bit early possibly to go stay at my boyfriends house - Which is not that far from where I’m going to go to university. Well.. Let’s just say that it’s a better train ride from where he lives to my university. Heh.

I’m going to be sensible with my university budget. I’m going to draw up a budget plan and stick to it. I’m not going to over-spend because I REALLY need to have some money saved up when I leave. I know some people are going to say “Oh when you get to university, all you’ll do is live off alcohol blah blah” Well, I’m not going to turn to alcoholism when I’m at university. I mean, I might have the occasional drink or two but I’m not going to go overboard with it not only because I want to keep my dignity but because I have to start working in placements and I have to be sober and alert, so having a hangover is not going to help!

I still can’t believe I got in! The news hasn’t quite sunk in yet. Just when things are down.. Life takes an unexpected turn and BAM! It hits you with the unexpected. In this case, the unexpected was good. I am so proud of myself.

This is where my life begins, my journey.


Ciao!

- Happy A. x x x

Song: Eat That Up, It’s Good For You - Two Door Cinema Club
Mood: Depressed.
Current thought: Fuck life.

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, I’ve been busy with college and university interviews. The stress just keeps piling on top. I got rejected from 4 of my choices, the last one still hasn’t replied back to me. I don’t know what I did wrong, maybe it was the interview? I’m not sure. I tried to prepare for them the best I could. Being rejected from 4 of my choices has lowered my self esteem, my confidence and just.. made me more depressed. Everyone else around me has been getting offers.. Well, most people didn’t even get any interviews, they got in straight away but that’s because they didn’t choose professions where they would be dealing with patients.

Maybe nursing isn’t the right profession for me? I don’t know anymore. I don’t even know which direction my life is heading in. I just want to work, make money, live in a flat with some nice people, go traveling.. I’m young, I want to have fun, I don’t want to live a stressful life.

I don’t understand why I keep failing. If I could go back 5 or 6 years, I would’ve chosen what I really wanted to do in school. Art, photography, computer technology, languages.. I should’ve done that but instead my parents controlled me and thought that it would be good in the long run if I chose things like Law and Health and Social Care.

I feel like everyone is getting somewhere with their life and I’m still on square one, I’m not moving forwards or backwards. I keep trying to suppress my feelings on university and my future by not talking about it and trying to forget it but I can’t, it’s just making me depressed.

Before I go to bed, just pops into my mind and then I dream all these stupid dreams, sometimes I even cry myself to sleep. I feel like I’m a disappointment to everyone who had high expectations from me. I feel like a fucking failure. I’m at a loss here. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life and to be honest, I don’t know what I want either.

No matter how hard I try, it’s not enough. It never is. I try to make out that I’m fine. I put this facade up and smile at everyone, it’s ridiculous because I keep trying to tell myself that everything is okay when it’s not. I want someone to hug me and let me cry as much as I want on their shoulder.

I’m just another average 18 year old girl, soon to be a college drop out.

I’m lost, I’m scared and I don’t want to be here anymore.

-A.

Yes I have.